Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
