So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
