Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
