He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Are my feet made of real feet?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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