I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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