last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
