evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
