i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
