I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
People in love make me want to vomit
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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