Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
