When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just invented taco cereal.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
