Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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