And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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