I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
