He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
