Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
