I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
