Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
