i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
