Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
