did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
