Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
