the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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