why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
