the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
