So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
