I am in a vortex of obligation.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
