Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
