doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Panties = found
Randomize
