Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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