what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
