ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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