My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
