I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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