I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
