Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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