I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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