I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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