i think my tv is drunk
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
