it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i dont even know how to be here
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
