theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
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