I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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