The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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