I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im holly from the hills drunk
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
