it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
