there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
