I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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