Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
