so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
