she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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